24 Hilarious Sex Things That Happen In Every Harry Potter Fic

Sex scenes in fanfiction often feature a variety of time-honored and cringey tropes — think tongues battling for dominance — and smutty fic set in the Harry Potter universe is no different.

Before we get started, I'll be the first to say that tropes exist for a reason and that's because they can be FUN AND DELIGHTFUL. I for one will never tire of reading about Harry and Draco snogging in a broom closet — so there's no hating here. But that doesn't mean there's not stuff to make fun of.

SO, OKAY. LET'S LAUGH ABOUT SOME HP SMUT.

1. First things first, the Room of Requirement is wildlyabused for shenanigans.

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I mean, it's also known as the Come and Go Room, soooo what did the Hogwarts founders expect?

2. Not to mention, the astronomy tower sees its fair share of sex. Because stars? Or something?

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Shockingly, not a lot of word count gets dedicated to describing how cold and uncomfortable it would be to HAVE SEX IN AN OUTDOOR STONE TOWER, but okay.

3. Ditto the library.

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If a pairing features Hermione Granger, you best believe there is library sex in it.

4. There's an obscene amount of sex on the floor or against walls because hey, shagging around the castle is definitely a good idea.

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Luckily, Mrs. Norris always turns a blind eye.

5. Speaking of shagging, Briticisms are sprinkled liberallyacross sex scenes.

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An HP fic sex scene isn't complete without lots of ~snogging~.

6. There are spells that definitely don't exist in the books, namely for contraceptive purposes.

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Hogwarts didn't even have pencils. You think they had condoms?

7. Not to mention lube spells.

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Honestly, I'm not mad about it. At least fic is promoting the use of lube in a healthy sex life!!!

8. And engorgio. Enough said.

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Which, unnecessary. It's not the length of wand that matters, it's how you swish and flick it.

9. If we're being honest, wands are occasionally brought into sex in an entirely inappropriate way.

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Vibratio!

10. If characters are boning in their dorm, they cast a silencing spell so they can get down behind drawn bed curtains like it's no big thing.

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Sharing a dorm room with four other people is no obstacle when you have silencio!

11. Speaking of, characters sneak into each other's dorms like it's NBD, even if they're in completely different houses.

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Not to split hairs, but NO OUTSIDER HAS ENTERED THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM FOR MORE THAN SEVEN CENTURIES*, PEOPLE CAN'T JUST COME AND GO AS THEY PLEASE TO FUCK DRACO MALFOY!!!

*Until Harry and Ron did in Chamber of Secrets. I know, I know.

12. And inter-house relationships are made into a Big Freaking Deal.

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Especially Gryffindor/Slytherin pairings. But hey, that just makes all the forbidden sex even SEXIER.

13. But weirdly enough, student/teacher relationships are less of a big deal???

Feel free to @me, but I'm judging anyone who's ever written Snape into a sex scene. And there are a lot of you.

14. When characters in different houses bone, they're referred to as their Hogwarts house, like ~The Gryffindor could feel the Slytherin tremble beneath his fingers~.

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Just stooooop.

15. Fandom collectively made up a Head Boys' and Girls' shared dorm and common room that doesn't exist in the books where — of course — a lot of boning went down.

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Particularly popular in Draco/Hermione and James/Lily fic. But I repeat: NO SUCH THING EXISTED! It was just a useful plot device for the express purpose of giving characters someone to bang!

16. Characters get accidentally locked in broom cupboards more often than strictly believable — but that's okay, they always wind up shagging to pass the time.

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What ELSE are you going to do?

17. And there's occasional frantic train compartment sex, especially after a character comes back from summer holiday sporting a massive glow-up.

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Summers in Nice always did Draco Malfoy nicely.

18. Quidditch players always have unbelievable bodies, obviously, and their ~Quidditch muscles~ are heavily noted during sex.

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No offense, but how ripped can you realistically get riding around on a broom?

19. Speaking of unrealistic Hogwarts things, the school uniforms are always much sexier in fic than they're likely meant to be.

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PRETTY sure those uniform skirts aren't that short in canon.

20. And don't get me started on the type of shit characters get up to with their house ties.

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The Hogwarts student body is far kinkier in fic than you'd expect.

21. Wizarding metaphors and similes run rampant — particularly comparing things to wands, if you catch my drift.

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Just a LITTLE on the nose.

22. Far too much sex happens as a result of house parties with free-flowing Firewhisky.

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Some ~cool seventh-year~ always manages to sneak it into the castle.

23. Speaking of illegal substances, Amortentia always conveniently clues characters into who they secretly want to shag.

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OH NO, WHAT'S THAT MYSTERIOUS SMELL WAFTING OUT OF THIS LOVE POTION THAT'S MEANT TO SMELL LIKE THE THINGS I AM MOST ATTRACTED TO?

24. In general, far too many characters are written as sex gods despite the fact that they're LITERAL STUDENTS WHO WERE PROBABLY FUMBLING VIRGINS UNTIL TWO MINUTES AGO.

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It miiiight be because, a good chunk of the time, a character is secretly half-Veela or something. Or because all witches and wizards are just insanely good at sex. Because magic.

WHATEVER.